Ways to get Revenge

My mate Jeff is thinking of ways to get revenge. He has the misfortune of being the most honest, the most reliable, the gentlest gentleman you could ever meet. But then he knows a woman who doesn’t like him. It’s not his fault, he is the victim of a vendetta.

It all started when the delectable Lacey moved into the flat below him. He was delighted. She was young, beautiful, very friendly. But it very quickly became apparent that she was the bitch from hell. When it came to the battle of the sexes, she was simply dangerous. He complained about the constant noise, but to no avail. It seemed that for six months without pause she held one long, raucous party. He pleaded with her, he remonstrated, he threatened, but every time he did anything she turned up the music even louder.

One night after feeling his walls vibrating for three hours he had had enough. He banged on her door for half an hour. She was obviously in the bathroom, with the music in the lounge turned up to full volume. He couldn’t get her attention, so dreaming of ways to get revenge he went and got his hammer and started hammering on her door (literally).

After about ten minutes she answered the door, covered only by a towel. He shouted something about her turning the f”””””g music down and waved the hammer at her. She quickly closed the door and turned the music off. ‘Hallelujah’, he thought for the next week as he didn’t hear a squeak from her.

But the war had only just begun. After about a week there was a knock on the door, and a very nice policeman asked to be let in. The luscious, delectable Lacey had called the police and accused him of threatening behaviour, of being a peeping tom, and of attempting to rape her.

The main problem here was that the lovely Lacey was very credible. Everybody believed everything she said. They did not realise that sometimes people don’t always tell the truth, especially when they are malicious, vindictive, evil young girls who have been spoilt rotten and always get their own way. She was especially dangerous because she faked sincerity perfectly and butter wouldn’t melt in her gorgeous but evil mouth.

So he explained the situation to the nice policeman, who then went away saying he would contact Jeff later. Imagine Jeff’s surprise when he received a letter from the nice policeman giving him an official caution for threatening behaviour. Ok, it was accepted that he wasn’t a peeping tom or rapist, but even so this was a nasty surprise.

And then the war started in earnest. Within a week his car had been vandalised and written off, beyond economic repair. A couple of days later a courtesy car from the insurance company was also vandalised. Pieces of a dead cat were put through his letterbox. Envelopes with a sticky, smelly brown substance were put through his door. Friends of Lacey started following him and shouting accusations that he was a paedophile to anybody who would listen. This, he tells me, was when he first started thinking up ways to get revenge.

He was barred from a social club he belonged to for ‘violent behaviour’. He was barred from his local pub because they didn’t want ‘that sort’ in their bar. For the next nine months he was subjected to a hate campaign by his neighbours, who had obviously bought into the evil Lacey’s story. Nobody seemed to believe or care that he was innocent of all these charges.

Finally he was forced to move. He tried to tell the police what was going on but they didn’t want to know. They even threatened to arrest him for wasting police time. He was bitter about this especially. He thought it was the police’s job to protect him, not to simply believe all the lies the luscious, delectable bitch from hell told them. He didn’t see why he should be forced out of his home.

He thought that moving would solve the problem, but Lacey found out where he lived and continued to torment him. But he may well have the last laugh. What Lacey doesn’t know yet is that he has thought up dozens of ways to get revenge, some of them funny, some of them really nasty. The frightening thing is that he really has had enough. He doesn’t care any more what happens to him. He will have his revenge.

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