Understanding men should be easy for women. After all, ladies, you are so superior to us poor downtrodden men that it shouldn’t be a problem. We men are simple creatures. We only have one brain cell and that isn’t in our head. We can only think of one thing at once, we can only do one thing at once. But strangely enough, the female of the species is often heard to say that working out men is difficult, even impossible. I know that I have already lost the battle of the sexes, but perhaps I can offer you ladies some assistance.
Men have disgusting habits, you say. They fart all the time. Ladies, that one is obviously your fault. Don’t feed them that disgusting green stuff (I believe it is called ‘vegetables’.) Anyway, what makes you think that women fart less than men? Statistically, men fart on average twelve times a day, women fart seven times a day. But men are much more open about farting. Men are competitive about everything, including farting, and are very proud of their farting efforts. Women are much more embarrassed about farting and do it privately, whilst men will even have farting competitions. Working men out is easier when you ladies remember how competitive they are.
Men’s competitive streak manifests itself in many ways. It explains sport and why men support football teams. It explains their toys. Women don’t understand the concept of ‘Boys and their Toys’. You will understand men better when you remember that everything has to be bigger, faster, better, shinier, sexier, louder than anybody else’s toys. Under no circumstances should the female of the species make fun of her man’s toys. If you do that, ladies, the battle of the sexes will turn into outright war.
And then there are emotions. Men don’t have emotions, or if they do, women never find out about them. Men would certainly never talk to another man about ‘feelings’.
Only a puffta would do that. Women talk to each other to create intimacy, cement relationships, to clarify their feelings, to mentally rearrange or discover their own views. Men talk in order to impart information. Understanding men means understanding the difference between how men and women talk, solve problems, and feel. Men don’t understand what intimacy means to the female. They just think it means ‘sex’. And if a woman talks to a man, the man thinks he is being asked to provide a solution. Understanding men means that The Enemy has to modify how she talks to her man and must provide clear instructions as to how he should listen.
Ladies, you want your man to listen, really listen to you. Show him HOW to do it. Tell him what you expect from him. Give him clear guidelines. Remember that we only have one brain cell, and where it is. That one brain cell needs constant stimulation. Now THAT is understanding men.
Ladies, men do not have your communication skills. There’s no point trying to communicate with a man in the same way that you talk to your girlfriends. You have to keep it simple. Use the KISS principle. KEEP IT SIMPLE SWEETHEART. He probably won’t even notice that raised eyebrow or subtle hand gesture.
And be direct with him. Don’t say ‘Can you take out the trash’. Of course he CAN take out the trash, he’s done it once before when he thought he was on a promise. You have to be SPECIFIC and EXPLICIT. ‘Please take out the trash now’. ‘Please go and pick the kids up from school now.’ If you use indirect speech, you are not understanding men, and men are definitely not understanding you.
And as for trying to seduce him, that is a total waste of time. He won’t understand. Be direct. Strip naked, lie in front of the television, and start masturbating. He might be able to work that one out.