Switching Teams

To be honest with you, I should have switched teams long ago. Looking back, my first crush was on a girl. But growing up in the 70s & 80s in an upper class family didn't exactly make being "different" easy.

I met my ex in the early 90s. Shortly thereafter I had an affair with a woman for a year. Don't get me wrong - my ex knew about the relationship ... sanctioned it even. Said it was something I "had to get out of my system." Well ... kind of.

The pressure got to be too much after a year of dating her and living with him. Talk about a tug of war - her on one arm, him on the other. I cut her off. It just wasn't time.

Meanwhile I lived with him. No sex really. Well, except once one year. And I got pregnant. I was never really happy. He was a controlling son of a bitch. But I was young. He had me brainwashed. I just wish I could have seen it earlier. Well, except for our beautiful son. That I wouldn't change.

When our son was 2, I fell in love with a woman. I really struggled. I couldn't imagine life without being happy, but I also couldn't imagine a life that I knew would be hard. And I wasn't looking forward to the impact it would have on my son.

Within a short while, I just couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't imagine living with him. And I couldn't imagine living without her. And so I officially "switched" teams. I do hesitate to call it that, because I don't believe I just up and switched. I just think I was pinch-hitting on the other team because of some ill-found belief that I "should" play for the other team.

Switching teams was the best and the worst thing I ever did. I didn't do it out of revenge. I did it for me. And for my son, since I believe he deserves a mom who is happy.

The revenge came unexpectedly when the first woman I ever dated came back into my life after 10 years of not talking. Apparently this was unacceptable to my son's father. It was one thing me dating
a woman who really wasn't a threat to him. But the first woman he sanctioned me having a relationship, that was a problem. A BIG problem for him.

So he went for custody of our son. His ultimate revenge. If I was going to be with the woman he had allowed me to have a relationship with way back when, then over his dead body would she get to share his son with him.

He held nothing back. He threw my entire life back in my face. Let alone the fact that since the day my son was born, he convinced me I would never be a good mother ... now he was going to prove it in court. And he did a pretty damn good job. The courts don't exactly look highly upon same-sex couples. At least not in our county they don't.

And so his revenge continues. I suppose my ultimate revenge is knowing that I am a good mother, and nothing he says or does can take that away from me, no matter what the courts think. But even more than that, my revenge is knowing that his revenge isn't about our son. It's about his hurt. It's about me leaving him for a woman ... me switching teams. Maybe he just should have listened to his gut way back when he sanctioned my relationship with a woman. Maybe it could have saved us both from a lifetime of heartache.

So as not to leave loose ends, he didn't end up getting full custody of our son. We have a shared custody arrangement, but he does get to have dinners with our son on my week and I don't get the same in return. Apparently his "family" is more of a family than ours is. And so our son "deserves" family time, which, somehow, a lesbian family can't provide.

The one thing his revenge has shown me is a rage I never knew existed in him. It has forced me to take security measures to protect my family. It helps that one of my neighbors voluntarily keeps a golf club at his back door at all times, "just in case." And I know where the guns are in the neighborhood, should I ever need to call for backup.

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Nov 11, 2015
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Sep 11, 2015
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Nov 15, 2010
Taunted & Teased?
by: Anonymous

It's funny, because my son is almost 14 years old and he has never been taunted or teased because of who I am. In fact, his friends love to come over to hang out, or have parties or spend the night. They sit at the dinner or breakfast table with us for hours talking about life, girls, bullying at school, sports, drugs, whatever. Our house has been unofficially voted "the" best house to go for sleepovers. Why? Not because we're lesbian. And certainly not because the kids think it's weird or wrong. Children aren't born with hatred. They learn it from homophobic, hate-filled parents such as yourself.

Please don't think that I feel like I owe you any kind of explanation or that I feel like I have to justify myself, because I don't. But I will tell you that I am actually heavily involved in Father's Rights. I have always maintained and will to the day I die that ALL children deserve equal access to BOTH of their parents so long as the parents are not abusive/abusing. Until 4 years ago when his father felt the need for revenge, my son saw BOTH of us EVERY SINGLE DAY. We went on family vacations together. We had holidays together. You want to talk about ruining a kid's life? If there is anything that ruins my kid's life it's his father bringing on the custody suit.

I think it's sad you have so little faith in human resilience. "Your love is not going to be enough when ...." My love will ALWAYS be enough. You know why? Because I have been through hell and back in my life. I did it basically on my own. I always wished I had my parents' support. But I didn't. So every single day of my son's life I have told him what he means to me and that no matter what, I will always love him. My son will get through whatever life throws at him. And he knows I'm not going anywhere. He proves that out every time he comes to me with a problem, or brings a friend to me who has a problem, every time he asks me the hard questions and every time he pushes back on me for whatever. My love will always be enough.

And oh, by the way, research shows that kids raised in lesbian families are FAR more well adjusted than kids in heterosexual families and far less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol. Huh. Go figure.

Nov 15, 2010
A Fathers Love
by: Anonymous

This is disheartening but I don't feel that a father's love for his son is revenge. It feels like the father had his son's best interest at heart. We live in a society where a father's absence affect children even into adulthood. The sheer thought that two women can raise a child successfully without a father goes against all the research and the natural order of things.

It's one thing to play with your own life and see what happens but it's quite another to have an impressionable child in the middle trying to make the most of a messed up situation. Regardless of how open minded you are, or how open minded you think the world is a child living in a same-sex home will be ridiculed, tanted and shamed. You can only hope that the love you profess for him will be enough to overshadow the hate or disdain or judgement of the world but, normally it is not enough.

Your love will not be enough when your son wonder why his anger at his girlfriend make him uncertain if he want to be with a girl or a guy. Your love is not enough to erase the memories of the kids taunts.
Your love is not enough to stop him from controlling his rage, because he wants to defend a mother that is forcing him to deal with an other than normal situation.
And your love is not enough when he is experimenting and make the wrong choices because just like you don't need a man, what if he decides that he don't a woman... including you?

The world is not color blind regardless of how much people keep their views in the closet.

Also I was disappointed reading this "revenge" story because it felt more like bitterness. I hope that people do not feel that in today's time a father fighting for custody of his child is revenge. I'm confused at how this is revenge. Does the writer feel that the father would not love his child as much to fight if she were with a man?

Nov 03, 2010
Heartrending stuff
by: Charles Evans

It is easy to forget when writing what is basically a funny website about The Battle of the Sexes that things can get tough, hearts can be broken and lives destroyed. Many thanks to this contributor for reminding us about this.

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