Men and women making love, men and women in bed. There’s a lot of it about. Sex, I mean. If you don’t believe me, just think about when you go shopping. Are there a lot of people about? Every person you see is the result of a sex act. Remember when you are talking to your friends, your boss, your mother-in-law, your grandparents, that the only reason they are there at all is because a man had an erection, put it in a woman’s vagina, wiggled it about a bit, then ejaculated.
And the odds are he didn’t just do it once to make her pregnant. Statistics vary, but on average every adult on the planet is having sex between 100 and 120 times a year. We don’t hear much about it, and we don’t often see it, but as you read this there are men and women making love all over the world. That probably doesn’t include you. I know that I am a decent writer, but it is very unlikely that many ladies are reading this AND being rogered senseless from behind by their man at the same time. Although, come to think of it, this is the Internet, anything could be happening.
And yet sex remains very much a taboo subject. I am reminded of the little girl who got on the bus with her mother. There was another lady on the bus who was at least ten months pregnant. She was enormous. The little girl pointed at her and asked her mom: ‘Why is that lady so fat?’ The mother didn’t want to get into birds and bees and men and women making love, so she thought very quickly and said ‘She’s been eating too much chocolate.’ To her relief, her little girl seemed to accept this.
A week later, the girl and her mother got on another bus. At the next stop, another very pregnant lady got on. As she passed the little girl, the girl said to the lady, ‘I know what you’ve been doing.’
And it isn’t just young people who do it. I remember once I was staying at my grandparents’ house. I took them up a cup of coffee first thing in the morning. I know I should have knocked, but I just went straight in. They were having sex. Fortunately they were somewhat preoccupied, and I am pretty sure I backed out of the room without them seeing me. They were in their late seventies at the time. Men and women in bed is all very well, but there are limits.
And then, of course, there are different types of sex. There is bad sex. I had that once after about ten pints of beer. There is good sex, and there is great sex. There are also lots of orgasms which are not all they seem to be. I have seen one statistic that 55% of women have faked an orgasm. Of course they’ve never done that to me. After all, I am a Sex God and the greatest lover since Casanova. Actually I faked an orgasm once. I had had too much to drink, and I ran out of stamina long before I got anywhere near an orgasm, so I thought ‘What the hell’ and faked it. A man can’t do that unless there are condoms involved. She was as drunk as me, so I think I got away with it. Not the proudest moment in my career as a Sex God.
Anyway, now that I am a fully-fledged Sex God, and an expert on men and women making love, I feel qualified to impart some of my wisdom to those less fortunate than myself.. So I am going to tell you
how to have sex