Anonymous Revenge

Anonymous revenge is the way to go. What a valuable weapon in the battle of the sexes. The trick is to remain anonymous whilst ensuring that the recipient of your revenge has a damned good idea what has happened, but can’t prove it. If you break into your ex’s home at midnight and remove his prize assets whilst he is sleeping, you want two things to happen. You want him to know why he is no longer capable of screwing your sister. But you also want to get away with it. That is the beauty of anonymous revenge, the fine line between knowing who is responsible and not being able to prove it.

The thing is, it might make you feel good to kidnap your ex’s children and roast them slowly over a barbecue whilst chanting voodoo curses, but you probably won’t get away with it. Anonymous revenge comes in handy when you want to avoid any awkward consequences.

I like this tale of anonymous revenge. A friend of mine was badly treated by his girlfriend. Being a gentleman and a knight in shining armour, he loved helping people, and he especially loved helping his girlfriend. When they met, she was a prostitute, struggling to bring up three children after her husband had died of a massive heart attack.

He didn’t try to hide the fact that he had first met her to have sex with her and pay her for the privilege. She was also ill, with coeliac disease, chronic fatigue syndrome, and a bipolar disorder which she would never even acknowledge. She was a prime candidate for being helped, and my friend loved to help her. She had no transport, so he gave her lifts here there and everywhere. He was a great listener and she fell in love with him eventually because he was always there for her.

But something very odd happened. The more he helped her, the more he loved her, the more abusive she became. She would phone him up at all times of day and night and harangue him with her problems, most of them imaginary, until it got to the stage where he would put the phone down, go about his business, come back half an hour later and pick the phone up again. She would still be talking, totally unaware that he hadn’t been listening to her at all. And it became apparent to him that this was not a lady at all, but a malicious, evil nasty piece of work. She would talk constantly about all the people who had wronged her, and what she wanted to do to them.

One night, she asked him to take her to the address of a tradesman who had done some work for her, and overcharged her. He had a motorbike in his driveway, and she superglued the tyres to the tarmac. He was horrified, but it made her very happy. She said it was only right and proper that this had happened to the so-and-so, and nobody would ever know who did it. This was her perfect anonymous revenge.

By this time, my friend was not happy about this relationship. He was being horribly abused virtually every time he saw her, but stayed with her because their sex life was fantastic. She was the best lover he had ever come across, and would do anything he wanted and much more. Then one night she invited him to her place for drinks. She had already been drinking heavily with her son during the daytime. She had thrown the son out of her home for some imagined offence some years earlier and was now trying to build bridges with him.

Anyway, once they got home, they were having a pleasant evening when suddenly she turned on him and became abusive, accusing him of lying to her. She threw him out of her house and swore never to talk to him again. He actually wasn’t too bothered by this time, as he had had enough of the abuse. He went on his way and tried to forget about her.

Unfortunately, he was forced to move out of his own home, and the only place he could find to live was only a few hundred yards from where she lived. He spent the next three years accidentally seeing her around the town, always managing to avoid her, often hiding in doorways just to avoid a confrontation.

Then one night, he was remembering the good times they had together, and was on his way to the off-license (liquor store) to buy some beer, when he saw her coming the other way. Forgetting how their relationship had ended, he was actually quite pleased to see her, and called out her name. She took one look at him, pushed her nose up into the air, and totally ignored him as she sped on her way.

‘Well,’ he told me, ‘that was the last straw. After everything I did to help her, I didn’t deserve that.’ It was time for this nasty malevolent piece of work to get what she deserved. Now, he knew that this ‘lady’, whilst plying her trade as a prostitute, had also been claiming welfare for many years. She must have defrauded the state out of many many thousands of pounds. He knew all the sordid details, because he had helped her to the extent of paying for her weekly advertisement in the local paper, ‘Attractive brunette escort. No agency fees.’

So we come to the punchline, and I apologise if this was long-winded, but I wanted you all to know the context. He rang the local council anonymously, and reported her illegal earnings. It was for him the perfect anonymous revenge. He hadn’t done anything wrong, or illegal, and now she would pay a very expensive price for abusing him. She would never know where the council had obtained their information, but of course she must have known. It just goes to show, you shouldn’t upset the person who knows where the bodies are buried.

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