Women are from Venus - they speak a different language

Ok, so women are from Venus and they speak a different language. Now, I am an expert on language. In a previous lifetime, before I became a Sex God and the greatest lover since Casanova, I was a linguist. I call this period BS. Before you get any ideas about male bovine excrement, that means ‘before Sex God’ in the same way that BC means 'before Christ'. So I am familiar with foreign languages. But women are from Venus, and the language of Venus is different, because it sounds like the same language we Martians speak. And therein lies the problem – the words are the same, but the meanings are different. On this page, we are going to take some simple words and try to work out what they mean on the planet Venus.

Firstly, the word probably. If we poor downtrodden men have ever been stood up on a date, it is because we misunderstood the word ‘probably’. She said she would ‘probably’ turn up. Translation: ‘probably’ means definitely, absolutely, ‘NO’. It means that she wouldn’t be seen dead on the same continent as you. It means definitely no sex, definitely no blow-job, definitely no kissing, definitely no nothing. It means you are a tosser and she is so far out of your league that she is amazed you had the temerity to even ask.

And then, of course, there is that little word no. What does ‘No’ mean? You may well ask. Ten thousand page legal textbooks have been written about the word ‘no’. It may well mean ‘no’. It might mean ‘yes’. Just because the lights are red, that doesn’t mean they never change to green. It might mean ‘I’m a good girl’. It might mean ‘I’m a bad girl’. It may mean ‘I’m a good girl but tonight I want to be really bad’. It may mean ‘I’m a bad girl but tonight I want to be really good’. The only way to find out is to treat it as an objection which must be tested.

One way to test objections is to ignore them and see what happens. Sometimes they turn out not to be objections at all (DISCLAIMER Don’t blame me if you end up in court). By the time you qualify as a Sex God, you should have a pretty good feel (pun intended) for what ‘no’ really means. But PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Guys, if at any stage you realise that ‘no’ really does mean ‘no’, back off and apologise profusely. It may not be easy to do, but it is VERY important.

Assuming that ‘no’ means ‘yes’, we come to another little word pregnant with meaning. oops. Now this is a technical term used in sex manuals. It means ‘No way are you putting that in there.’ Please respect the meaning behind the word ‘oops’. You may have taken your time gradually rearranging your positions until a certain portion of your anatomy was nicely aligned with a certain portion of her anatomy, but ‘oops’ is not negotiable. It is like ‘no’ only more so.

Ok guys, you think you've cracked it. In case you didn't realise it, you are now in a relationship. This is the time when you really need to remember that women are from Venus. You will now become acquainted with the concept five minutes. How long will it take you to get ready darling? Five minutes. Obviously, 'five minutes' does not mean 'five minutes'. Five minutes probably means half an hour at least. It is the same 'five minutes' that we poor downtrodden men use when we are trying to watch the match on television.

Eventually you will hear that dreaded little word oh. This is when you know that you have lost the battle of the sexes. 'Oh' means that she doesn't believe you. Actually it is much worse than that. 'Oh' means that you are a snivelling lying bastard and divorce is imminent. Come on ladies, give us guys a break. Didn't your mother tell you how to recognise when a man is lying? His lips are moving.

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