'Oral relief used to be a blow-job. Now I just beg my wife to shut up.'

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A comedian was warming up an audience in preparation for the star of the show. He was talking about how there is a direct correlation between happiness and the amount of sex somebody is getting. He asked his audience: ‘Who is having sex at least once a day?' A few hands went up, and it was obvious that these people were all VERY happy. Then he asked: ‘Who is having sex four or five times a week?’ More people put their hands up than before, and it was pretty obvious that these people were very happy, although not quite as happy as the first group.

‘So who is having sex two or three times a week?’ This was the largest group so far, and these were happy people too, if a little more subdued than the first two groups. ‘Who is having sex once a week?’ More hands, and by now he was sure of his point. These people didn’t seem to be very happy at all. ‘How about once a month?’ These people were definitely sad. ‘And once a year?’ More hands went up, from some definitely depressed people.

Finally, he asked if he had missed anybody out. A hand went up at the very back of the hall, in fact two hands. This from a very ugly, very thin middle-aged man. The comedian walked up to the back and talked to him. ‘Excuse me for saying this, but you look absolutely ecstatic. You must be having girls attacking you in droves.’ The man looked a bit sheepish now. He looked at the comedian and said in little more than a whisper, ‘I’m sorry to say this, but I am 42 and a virgin. I have never had sex with anybody, no woman has ever been interested in me in the slightest.’

The comedian was confused now. ‘But why are you so happy? I don’t understand.’ The man’s face virtually disappeared in the widest grin you could ever see. ‘Because, my friend, TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT!!!’

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There is no denying that sex is a powerful urge. Men kill for it, lie for it, become obsessed by it. But things are much worse in the animal kingdom, what with black widow spiders and cuttlefish who die as soon as they have sex. Have a thought for the stags of this world who can only have sex once a year. Stag Nights

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Wedding Jokes
Revenge Sex
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