Indirect Speech

'Diamonds are a girl's best friend. A man's best friend is his dog. Is it any wonder that we men never win the battle of the sexes?'

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Hope you all had a good Christmas. May I wish you all the very best for the New Year.

I was reminded at Christmas about this foreign language that the female of the species (The Enemy) speaks. The problem of course is that it sounds like the same language that we men speak. It has all the same words, but they all mean different things. The concept of Indirect Speech is totally foreign to men, but the ladies still insist on talking in indirect speech.

I was reminded about this when there was a knock on my door on Christmas Eve. My neighbour was there, offering me a Christmas present of a box of chocolates. So far so good, but my neighbour is a Muslim lady who does not celebrate Christmas. Her first language isn’t English, so as I listened to her I wondered what was going on here.

I knew there had to be a catch. Now it just so happened that we had two feet of snow on the ground at the time. I marshalled all my knowledge of Venusian with a Pakistani accent. She was just about to go to work. A friend of hers was going to pick her up because she couldn’t start her car, and even if she started it there was no way she would be able to move it. I had spent two hours the day before trying to dig my car out of the snow before giving up.

So that explained the Christmas present. She wanted me to dig her car out. But like a typical female, she used indirect language, presumably thinking that I would know what she meant and volunteer my services. I knew perfectly well what she meant, but one of the advantages of speaking a foreign language is that it is acceptable to not understand what is being said. There was no way I was going to spend another two hours trying to dig her car out of the snow, so I just thanked her for the present and gave no indication of understanding what she was saying.

There is a moral here for the ladies. There is no point trying to be subtle with us men. If you want us to do something, SAY SO. Use the KISS principle, keep it simple sweetheart.

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Speaking of foreign languages, do you ever wonder which countries produce the sexiest ladies, the best lovers, the smelliest men? I wouldn't normally consider The Sun newspaper to be authoritative on any subject, but you can have a bit of fun with their article on which country has the best lovers. Personally, I have found that it doesn't matter what country a girl is from, all that matters is how attractive she is. The attractive ladies can get sex whenever they want it, so when they have sex they don't do any work. They just lie back and wait for things to happen to them, whereas the less attractive ladies have to work harder and consequently are much more inventive in pleasing their man. The Sun sex article

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