Hunter Gatherer

'A man isn't complete until he's married. Then he's finished.'

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I watched a TV programme last week. It seems that the old cliché about men bringing home the bacon and women keeping the children safe is not as true as we thought.

The hunter gatherer is a legend in his own lunchtime. The wife sends him out to bring home some meat, and the wife obviously stays home doing nothing all day, except gossiping with her mates and telling everybody who will listen what an awful man she is married to.

According to Dr Alice Roberts, though, on the BBC programme ‘Origins of Us’, all is not as simple as that. And it has to do with teeth. Teeth apparently reveal our diet to the person who can read them properly. It follows that if someone were to examine MY teeth, they would reveal that I am a beer-soaked alcoholic who will eat anything. The technical term I believe is ‘omnivore.’ None of this vegetarian crap for me. I love meat and eat it as often as I can.

It is thought that modern human beings are descended from ‘homo erectus’ who lived from about two million years ago. Scientists examined the teeth of homo erectus to find out what their diet was. You would expect them to be meat eaters, after all isn’t that how we grew our brains and took over the planet? Apparently not. Examination of the teeth showed that homo erectus was an omnivore, eating some meat, but probably more fruit and vegetables and tubers than had previously been thought.

And then there is saliva. Examination of human saliva has revealed that human beings are specifically adapted not to eating meat, but to eating STARCH. In other words, fruits, vegetables, tubers.

So what has this to do with the battle of the sexes? Apparently men tried hunting, but weren’t actually very good at it. Occasionally they would strike lucky and bring home the antelope (probably not the BACON two million years ago, owing to there being a shortage of pigs caused by the fact that they hadn’t been invented yet). So humankind had to rely on the women to provide the food, which was usually fruit or tubers which they had to physically dig out of the ground.

Can you imagine the conversation? Hubby comes home after a long day at the hunt, asks his wife ‘What’s for dinner?’ Wife gives husband a withering look and says, ‘Don’t know, what have you brought home?’ Husband looks sheepish, says he hasn’t had a good day at the office. Wife makes him a nourishing meal of stale fruit and half a tuber, whilst muttering curses under her breath: ‘My mother told me not to marry you. She said you were a useless hunter. But did I listen to her? I wouldn’t mind if you were even good-looking. I should have married Ugg, he had a much nicer spear than you. Why can’t you do something useful like invent cooking?’

And thus the battle of the sexes was born.

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Of course when homo erectus was thriving two million years ago there was no such thing as clothes. This is why we became known as the Naked Ape. And equally obviously, with all that naked flesh on show, sex was invented. You have to admit that sex is a pretty weird thing. 'You put it WHERE?' So it is only natural that there is some pretty weird sex about. You can find some of it here. Weird Sex

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Wedding Jokes
Revenge Sex
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