Dog Lovers


'You're only as old as the man you're feeling.' Joan Rivers

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My mate Dave doesn’t like dogs. In fact he doesn’t like animals of any shape or texture. He says they make threatening noises and try to bite him at every opportunity. Unfortunately, my mate Dave is married. Now I am not suggesting that the state of marriage itself is ‘unfortunate’. I wouldn’t dream of suggesting anything of the sort. No, I say ‘unfortunately’ because his wife loves animals. All of them. And of course she has a dog of her own.

I suggested to my mate Dave that marrying a dog lover was probably not the best idea he had ever had. I expected Dave to defend the holy state of matrimony, but he just looked at the floor and swore beneath his breath. ‘You ain’t heard the half of it,’ he said.

The wife, it transpired, was a member of a club. An animal-sitting club. It started when her beloved hound took to attacking Dave whenever he became amorous. Apparently the wife quite liked it when Dave became amorous, and wasn’t keen on curtailing her sex life completely. So she joined this club. It consisted of a group of women who looked after one another’s pets when they were away from home or otherwise engaged. So when the wife and Dave were feeling the urge, she would arrange for one of her friends to look after the dog.

So far, so good, it seemed to me. Dave’s wife still fancied him and, wonder of wonders, was prepared to put his needs above those of her pet. But, of course, the time came when Dave and his wife had to reciprocate by looking after a neighbour’s dog. The wife had just picked up the offending beast from her friend when she had a phone call from her sister and had to rush out and spend the night with her.

So Dave, who was not a dog lover, now had to look after two dogs for the night, one of each sex. He realised that he wasn’t going to enjoy any action, so he was certainly not going to allow the possibility of the two dogs ‘enjoying’ each other’s company. He locked them in different rooms and went to bed.

A couple of hours later, he was woken by a horrible screaming. He got up to investigate, and found that the two dogs had managed to escape from their confinement and were locked in a painful intercourse from which they could not escape. Dave did the obvious thing and poured a bucket of water over them, but that didn’t work. He wasn’t sure what else he could do, and he couldn’t stand the noise, so he rang the vet.

A very grumpy vet answered the phone. ‘Yes, what do you want?’ He obviously wasn’t happy. Dave outlined the problem to him and asked for his advice. The vet told him to hang up, then put the phone next to the dogs. The vet would ring back, and the shock of the ringing phone would cause the dog to lose its erection, and the two dogs would be able to separate. Dave was surprised by this. ‘Do you really think that will work?’ he asked. The vet said, ‘It worked fine just now when you rang me’.

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Of course, the battle of the sexes is not just a human preoccupation. I thought this article on dogs was quite amusing, especially when it talked about bitches. Dogs and The Battle of the Sexes

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